Warning Signs Your Internet Relationship Is Not Real
Warning Signs Your Internet Relationship Is Not Real
By David Wygant
I recently had an opportunity to work with a woman who was having a long distance romance with someone she met on the Internet. What I like about the Internet as a way to meet people is that it’s convenient, easy, can be done in the comfort of your own home, and allows you to get a lot of information about someone to help you know if you want to try and meet them.
So as a whole, I think Internet dating is a fantastic way to go out and meet new and exciting people to date. Here is the problem, though, with Internet dating: some people are not who and what they claim to be.
This issue arises most often when you’re in a long-distance relationship with someone. Usually when you meet someone on the Internet who lives far away, you will first converse via email, then you’ll talk on the phone, and finally you’ll set up some type of rendezvous. While this rendezvous will occasionally take place in one of the two people’s home town, most often it will be set to occur in what I like to call “neutral territory.”
So if you are in this situation, whether it’s a long distance relationship or not, how do you know whether the person who you’ve been dating long distance is everything they say they are? How do you know they’re not married? How do you know they don’t have another family? Or, how do you know they don’t have another girlfriend or boyfriend (or two or three . . . )?
Here are 5 warning signs which likely mean that you are dating someone who is not exactly who or what they claim to be:
1. They Provide Limited Information. The first thing you want to do when you meet someone on the Internet, especially someone who is long distance, is get a complete picture of the other person. A lot of times when you meet people on the Internet, it’s very easy for them to pick and choose which things they want you to know. So, for example, they might only want to talk about certain topics (e.g., music, art and working out) while they are very reluctant to discuss other things. What else are they about? Are they just about those certain things or is there a lot more you don’t know about them? A lot of times if you connect with someone about one or two things, its really easy to overlook everything else. So ask yourself, do I really know this person? Is there more to them? Do I know anything about their family or friends? This is very important. Some of the people you meet online are very careful not to reveal any information about their friends. Or, if they do, they are very vague about who their friends are or what they do with their friends. If you are a woman and the man you’ve been talking to keeps telling you about his “friend” Monica with whom he goes out to the movies but about whom he is otherwise vague, you need to probe him about it. If the person is not giving you any details on the kind of activities they’re doing with their friends or one particular friend, you might want to start wondering if they are hiding something from you.
2. They Never Invite You Over. Another red flag that someone you’ve met on the Internet isn’t who or what they claim to be, is if they don’t invite you to their home after you’ve been dating for awhile. A lot of the people who have something to hide, even when they do invite you over, may insist that you always call to confirm before you come to their place. Why is it such a big deal? I understand in the beginning you want to be polite and respectful and not make impromptu appearances at someone’s front door, but if you’re really dating - even if it’s long distance – there is no reason you should not be able to just “stop by” and surprise them for a visit. Do they always get mad if you show up unexpected? While I wouldn’t say that you have to go to their place unexpected all the time, there is a balance where you should feel comfortable showing up at each other’s homes without worrying that doing so will make the other person angry.
3. They Don’t Give You Key Information. The next warning sign would be to look at another aspect of someone not giving you the complete picture of themselves. While it is normal in the beginning of a relationship not to discuss things like your finances with each other, it is a warning sign if you know nothing about how they handle their lifestyle. A lot of times I don’t know exactly what my personal friends do for a living, but I still always know how they conduct their lives, how they make their money and whether they are responsible with their money. Not every detail of course - just very broad strokes. If you’re dating a person and you’ve never heard anything about how they pay for things or how comfortable they are with their financial situation, that might be a warning sign. Why are they hiding something that is so simple? Having a common viewpoint about money is a key aspect to being happy with a partner.
4. You Haven’t Heard Of Or Met Any Of Their Friends. Another warning sign you might want to look at is if you haven’t met or heard of any of the other person’s friends. Even if you’ve heard general mention of friends, you should be concerned if you haven’t ever seen any of them (if you’re not in a long distance situation) or if the other person has kept their social circle completely vague. If so, then once again you need to ask yourself what they are not telling you. Are they only wanting you for one specific thing? Are they only wanting you to know one side of them because they’re afraid that if you find out something else about their life that you might be turned off by it or you might not want to have anything to do with them? So again pay attention to the relationships these people have and pay attention to the surroundings in which they live.
5. They Are Inconsistent. Even though you may be strongly enamored with this person, do you still notice inconsistencies in their behaviors or in their stories? A lot of times when we really like a person, we neglect to pay attention to the small details. We just see what we want to see, because we project on them our hopes and dreams about who they are. Sometimes when you’re in a new relationship, it’s easy to imagine the other person to be the perfect man or the perfect woman you want them to be. All fantasy aside, though, do you still see contradictions in the other person’s stories? Do you see contradictions in the things have or do in their lives? Do they tell you they want a certain goal, but all of their actions seem to be completely contradictory to that? This perhaps is another warning sign that they may be hiding something from you. It also may be a warning sign to that person’s real behavior patterns or personality. They may not have their life together as they’ve told you.
These are just some of the warning signs you may notice when you’re in a relationship with someone you met on the Internet. If you are in a long distance relationship with someone you met on the Internet, then you need to pay really close attention to these things.
If you don’t really pay attention to warning signs like these, especially when you’re pursuing a long distance relationship, you may end up spending your time in a fantasy-driven world that’s real only in your head.
There are a lot of people out there who are very lonely, There are also a lot of people out there who prey on people who are lonely. If your internal “radar” is telling you that something is a warning sign, don’t ignore it! It’s always better to err on the side of caution.
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:33 am
This blog article/entry plus others actually do give us a clue to the ageless and sometimes claimed “myth” of “Why do women LOVE jerks???”
No, not all women do go for the jerks, but some notable number of women do actually fall for jerk after jerk after jerk…, instead of the “nice” guys who are sometimes, you guessed it, needy (big turnoff to women as you point out). BTW, I watch some men do this too, one manipulative, abusive woman after another… Some men and women simply seem addicted to bad relationships. I did actually help one man I know break out of this pattern and marry a great woman, finally. They have been happily married - 3 years now!
Some women actually do go for the jerks because these jerks keep their real selves hidden while masking it with a neat front, which is perceptible if you aren’t blinded by “love.” But as you’ve said many times, women love confident men. Yes, this is the real lady killer, so to speak (confident men).
Most jerks are confident too, or even narcissistic for that matter. They often but not always put up a front. They are self-centered and some can be downright manipulative and abusive.
Let’s not forget, some women have as many faults as some men do. women telling me this gave me my first clue that this was so. A lot of research supports this too, but that only about 5-10% of men and women are truly this way.
But why do some women LOVE jerks? A lot of it is that some women just can’t tell where the reasonable cut-off line or limit is between good, healthy confidence and being a confident jerk or a confident narcissist or just a confident A-hole. There are narcissistic women out there as well, who are less likely to be tagged as such.
Watch out, there are no less women with their share of manipulative, abusive, bad behaviors as men like this. Most men and women are decent, but our job is to follow some simple advice, don’t let love or infatuation blind us, and use a checklist or a friend who isn’t blinded, as a guide, to keep centered when swept or blown away by the winds of love.
June 22nd, 2008 at 12:27 pm
It is no wonder that the world is so messed up with people like you thinking you can give advice about women.I have been married to the same woman for over 30 years. I can assure you the way you see women is not the way they really are. You are talking about women who are really still girls and do not know who they are or what they want.
June 22nd, 2008 at 12:44 pm
David,
why are u addressing just men. women behave the same way. Also your first few 10 pointers are the same, just repackaged. Your points are good consolidate them.
June 22nd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Exactly. And people who also are likewise ignorant or not grown up are drawn to them. It is mostly men and women who love getting hooked up with “exciting” (code for unstable) women or men are the ones who more often end up with this problem - one bad one after another. If she or he tells you that you’re so great, that you’re not like all the other guys (or women) and puts you high on a pedestal - then run. he or she is unstable and you have a lot further to fall and are guaranteed to “become” worse than all the others… David’s article just deals with signs of instability. That’s all this is about, looking for signs of significant instability so that even a love-crazed person might catch their oversights.
June 22nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Steve
I had a great laugh when I read your post.
The whole world is screwed up because of people like me.
Wow I had no idea the power that I had.
Am I to blame for the high cost of gas?
The education system?
How about the economy right now is that also my fault?
No need to go on everyone is allowed to express themselves!
But let’s try not to be so overly dramatic!
June 22nd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
David - Geez … I was wondering who was to blame for my association fees going up in my condo complex this summer … now I can see that it’s ALL YOUR FAULT!!
You’re funny … and you are great to take everyone’s comments in stride the way you do 
June 22nd, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Hmmmmm…. Are ANY internet relationships real? (Hint: the answer is no).
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Great pointers David. It’s very easy to get lost in what we want to see in people, especially when we’ve seen so very little of them.
Wow Steve, congrats on making yourself sound incredibly insecure. Might want to think things through before posting them. Just a thought
June 23rd, 2008 at 3:49 am
“A lot of it is that some women just can’t tell where the reasonable cut-off line or limit is between good, healthy confidence and being a confident jerk or a confident narcissist or just a confident A-hole. There are narcissistic women out there as well, who are less likely to be tagged as such.”
First of all, most decent women don’t LOVE jerks. I agree with the fact that we cannot tell where the reasonable cut - off line or limit is =S
Most women don’t know that they love JERKS!
I have a question for you David, how does one know, early on, what kind of confidence a guy (or a girl, for that matter) projects??
I met my ex online, and learned a YEAR later that he was not all that he claimed to be, unfortunately.
I feel, due to some bad experiences, that manipulating what is supposed to be real is way too easy and one cannot really tell what is real anymore..
However, as some people have called me bitter, I have chosen NOT to be bitter at all. I know there are great men out there.. I get confused, mad and yes, sometimes a bit sceptic, but never bitter!
June 23rd, 2008 at 7:21 am
i dont have any internet relationships so i can’t say much. but lol steve you sound like one of those people that accuse a person of ruining your entire life when they cut you off the street.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:50 am
David: Way to go and screw the world up! Gosh DOG it, STOP IT!
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:11 am
JustMe,
Regarding your question RE: “how does one know, early on, what kind of confidence a guy (or a girl, for that matter) projects??”,
I’d say… you have to really dig deeper and read in between the lines of what the man (or woman for that matter) tell you about himself.
Initially, the confidence one projects comes from the way he carries himself… the body language etc….
But you can very quickly find out what kind of confidence one projects based on the questions you ask. If you ask the right questions, if you dig deeper, you’ll know very quickly if that confidence is backed by experience and true self-assuredness in one’s self or if it’s just smokes and screens or delusions of one’s self.
Personally, I don’t believe you need to know someone’s in depth past to gauge who they are. People change and I believe people can change for the better. However, I WILL read into how people react to their world, how they respond to my questions and more importantly, how accepting and open they are about themselves.
THAT tells me real confidence.
A real confident person rarely apologizes for who they are. They display to you both the good and the bad b/c they accept who they are. But even in the bad, they keep a positive outlook on life (Obviously, they won’t advertise their bad either… you just have to ask them… or dig deeper).
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Yea, I think I kind of get what you’re saying. It’s really hard to dig deep, and before you know it, you think you’re in love with a good guy.
I’ve given it some more thought, and figured this much: that if a person bases his/her confidence on superficial things like looks, material, minor accomplishments etc, it gives you a clue as to what their values are…
Hmm..But to stick to the point; internet relationships are no good in the long run. Communcation based on internet connection leaves too much editing space..
I did meet my ex online, but that was very coincidental. But hey, if you can keep it real, why not?
June 24th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Point #4 is probably valid, but what if the person just doesn’t have friends and is otherwise genuine?
FYI- Internet relationships can and do exist, but I’ll grant that they’re likely the exception, not the rule.
June 24th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Why do women love jerks? Simple. It is what they are attracted to. Duh!
I’m sure you could come up with some scientific/anthropological explanation, just like explaining why the sky is blue. But it is purely an academic discussion. For us guys, it is unnecessary.
The solution is simple. If you want to get laid, being a nice guy is a perfect way to kill your chances. Strap down your inner nice guy and drive a stake through his chest, right along the sternum, a little to the left. Then, replace him with the swaggering jerk, and your results will improve.
Don’t ask why, just do it. The more you overthink it, the more you’ll screw it up.
June 24th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I personally think that women are attracted to jerks/assholes b/c they are exciting, they are dominant, they lead. That in itself… is what women attribute to masculinity and confidence (whether real or not).
You CAN be a nice guy (in the sense that you respect them) as long as you learn to be more exciting, more unpredictable, but more importantly… a leader, a dominant, masculine guy.
The biggest mistake that “nice guys” do with women is that they forget to respect the woman sexually… and they assume the women don’t like to get naughty and that’s when they lose their power… and that’s when women lose interest in them.
June 24th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
I am in an online relationship!
I have been divorced!
I have had several relationships locally, and all have been loving and considerate…at first. Then, they become complete jerks/assholes. Yeah, I am not perfect, never believed to be perfect. But, why is it that I can find the guy of my dreams and reality…online, and not locally? I’m reading a lot of negative remarks and it’s interesting that it looks like mostly men. Everyone has a view on relationships and how they should come about. I take a piece here and a piece there and make my own list..and I think it’s worked well. Thank you you for the advice and if their is a person reading this, make your own mind up..they are all just advise…take it as such.
God Bless,
June 25th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
AntiMatter.
June 26th, 2008 at 5:29 am
Ummm…. for me! Those website are for give us to release anything that’s we can’t to do it for real, its just only for express our emotion, and somethings that I hide inside and couldn’t show for the real life..,
some contemplation, comment or even have some guys who had really attracted me, we can talk with him as its easy.. so please try to understand about the lady cause the women’re always shy! they’re can’t do it for real,its like a chance for women to learn how the people are, or even learn How’s the men like? and its just depend on what kind the relatioship that you’re looking for, then you have to realize about that later… learn to separate the two side, its help you to becareful about what you wish !
July 19th, 2008 at 4:12 am
david i am so sorry cause this is too long! BUT I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP!!….please read it david…and tell me what shud i do…and what is my mistakes….
.i use the onlinedating site as a weapon to get the girl that i like…she is the same martial art class with me….i can meet her every thursday…and i found her myspace!…we ever have a little talk at class…me doing some joke…and she is laugh….but i still cant compete with other of her male friend in class which also my friend too,everytime come and train,both of them will talk! but me only talk with that girl…maybe once in a month!!i feel jealous and bad for it!……..i donno how to read her bodylanguage…it seems she is not interest in me….and i know she is not interested on that guy….but i want me and her become more closer!…but i have no idea….no idea what should i talk with her at class….yet..i also a bit shy….thats why i use myspace….feel more confident…..recently…i add her..but she dont even view back my profile….i try to get her attention by giving her a comment…here is”.
Me:excuse me…yourfriend told me that you always tease me behind…what the hell are thinking you are?if you got some problems with me just tell it like a man!….
and she respond with…
ME!!!!!tease u…..whn did i????WHICH MONKEY SAY TAT I TEASE U…..i tease u wad!!!!!damn….i din do tat,plz dun simply scold ppl without proving it…..if u dun blif thn iz fine!!!!!as u wish wad u wan 2 say…Furthermore,im nt a man….so i dun nd 2 act lik a MAN!!!
Me:Then if you dont do it…relax okay….i just to make sure….and dont be angry…are you on that month?
She only respon very short word that make me feel that she is bored and dont want me…here..
She:Oppps…..Sorry….
then after i know that she wont reply me…i still trying to get her attention! and give her a comment..here
Me:oh…you know what..i dont want you fine…i want you sick! if i believe you..then you will fine…so i think i wont believe you! anyway…maybe you are girl….but you are the bitch one! i already told my friend that you wearing red”up and down!” go f**k your opponet and monkey! ! what a shame of you dragon…
She:u bitch!!!!y call me dragon…..!!!!i gt burn u up….i gt bite u …..u monkey ,stupid donkey……blek!!!!so free 2 send so many damn boring comment 2 me 4 wad!!!!every1 oso scold me de…..dun think i will b sked 2 scold u bec!!!!
Me:i dont afrait at you!I wont call you with your name!! but i want call you dragon!!! dont just only know how to say…proof if to me that you are not afrait to scold me back!! show yourself in real!! you know what…you wearing red bra and underwear!!! and its smelly!! that why everytime i jog and cross infront of your house i smell something smelly! now i know….that smelly is your bra and underwear!!!!
and from that moment….she dont even reply my comment…..i feel something wrong……what should i do david…i feel so bad…….should i apologize??? wat shud i do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!